Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!