I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.