No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.