I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.