Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.