Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half