Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.