All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.