Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.