One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”