Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.