Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.