There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“OMGJK” -atheists
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”