I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“OMGJK” -atheists
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.