Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?