Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.