When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“OMGJK” -atheists
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.