I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.