My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.