Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.