Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.