I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!