While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.