It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.