Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook