Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.