Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.