Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise