Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
There is no “we” in pizza
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old