Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.