Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.