Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.