When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it