I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.