God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day