My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.