Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.