Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”