This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.