It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.