What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?