I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.