Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.