Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.