I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.