I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe