My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me