Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.