Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.