The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.