People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳